I'm sorry.. to anyone who might actually check in on this and wonder about me.. and everything that is going on. It seems life got too much, and I just stopped with this all together. Or maybe I just stopped with Colleen.
If I remember correctly I had stated how Colleen would stop talking to me for days at a time, we wouldn't see each other for a week or so.. maybe more, I don't remember much from that long ago. Colleen and I are not together, though at times I still wish. At the moment we are friends, as we were before. My horrific obsession I had with her that I led myself to believe was love for her is no longer. I realized that the only reason I believed I loved her was because she was the first person I really cared about since Rebecca. I wanted to believe I could love someone again, so I forced myself into thinking I loved Colleen. Granted, she is very lovable and if she gave me the chance I could probably easily fall in love with her.
Things have changed with Colleen. A lot. We don't see each other often at all, and we don't text 24/7. But we mostly text for at least a short amount of time at least once a day. And with that, yeah it sucks that we don't really talk so often anymore and see each other once a month [that's actually exaggerating.. more like once every two months] but it's still better than not seeing or talking to her at all.
So I'm not in love with her. Never was, but I do still like her. It seems every time I see her I end up having a dream about her.. the second to last time I saw her [like 2 and a half months ago] it wasn't even for that long... at the moment I can't even remember what we did that I saw her. Something with McFeldy. Umm.. Maybe we just drove around. I really don't remember. But I know that after I saw her I had a dream -- We were hanging out with a group of people she knew, and as long as I was near them they acted fake and accepted me, but the moment I was away from the group I could hear them talking shit. But someone suggested we all go to the movies, so we all started walking back to the cars, and I was walking ahead of everyone tired of hearing their bullshit. Colleen caught up with me and told me to ignore them, that what they think doesn't matter. So we got back to her car, and I'm assuming everyone else got in their own cars because it was just me and Colleen in her car, and she just grabbed my hand and held it. She was driving left handed and her right hand was holding my hand.. she'd reach to change the station, she'd not let go of my hand but take it with hers. So I told her "you can let go of my hand to change the station..." and Colleen just said that she didn't want to. -- I woke up that morning just thinking to myself "Fuck I thought I was over her," and my heart pounding in my chest..
Then the other day was her birthday. And I saw invited me out to dinner with some friends and I went, and it was fun, I didn't really talk to her much because she was stuck in conversations with people she sees basically daily at work or at least a lot more often than me but we still talked and it was just nice seeing her in general, and she said the same to me. And when she was dropping me back home I told her she had to wait while I went in to get her her gift. So I got her the big penguin I won at six flags because I knew she'd like it. So I hid it in my sister's hoodie and brought it out to her. When she saw the penguin there was a cute little twinkle in her eye that gave it away that she really did like it. And she looked happy. Maybe I was reading her wrong, or just saw something, I don't know. But that night? Yeah, I had another dream which I don't remember all of but the important part to me is -- She kept falling asleep, we were somewhere and she was laying down on her side and almost falling asleep a few times, and I'd keep saying "Wakey wakey" but one time I lay down right next to her, nice and close and said it again. "Wakey wakey" so she opened her eyes again, slightly surprised to see me laying there and then her facial expression just got calm and relaxed and I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I closed my eyes to calm myself down so I wouldn't. And as I did so, suddenly I felt her kissing me, her lips so soft and were just so.. well, kissable. And I didn't want to stop. -- But it did stop. :( Sadly. lol. And I woke up afterward still feeling the way I feel when I kiss someone, my heart being pulled.. wanting more.
But yeah.. as I was typing this I had a let down. Colleen texted me about McFeldy [who also likes Colleen, a lot] and was saying that she [Colleen] wants to date someone that they both love each other but McFeldy threatened to kill herself if she did. So Colleen was texting me about it for advice or something I guess. But she said she was in love with this other chick and she loved her so basically I have no chance whatsoever. Then again, when did I?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A lot has happened.
A lot has happened since my last blog. And basically none to do with Colleen. The most that happened with Colleen is that I gave her a senior picture of me with a freakin STORY written on the back of it. And another day she said we were gonna chill.. and poofed for the rest of the night and the next day.
But where has the a lot happened you ask? There's this girl Korin. And everything with her is just so fucked up I don't think blogger.com has enough room for it all.
But where has the a lot happened you ask? There's this girl Korin. And everything with her is just so fucked up I don't think blogger.com has enough room for it all.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
LSG - Lesbian Security Guard
I don't know what I plan to write about. I guess it has to do with Colleen. Maybe it has to do with Trish. Yes! I can talk about Trish.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Makes Me Want to Cry Happy Tears
9 part text to Colleen late at night.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Happy Birthday To Me
So today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Got a new laptop. ^-^
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Binary Code
This is in binary code. If it matters enough
to you, go to this site and translate it.
http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp
0101001101101111001000000111010001101
0000110010101110010011001010010011101
1100110010000001110100011010000110100
1011100110010000001100111011010010111
0010011011000010111000001101000010100
0001101000010100100000101101110011001
0000100000010010010010000001100001011
0110100100000011010110110100101101110
0110010000100000011011110110011000100
0000110100101101110001000000110110001
1011110111011001100101001000000111011
1011010010111010001101000001000000110
1000011001010111001000101110000011010
0001010000011010000101001000001011011
1001100100001000000100100100100000011
0001101100001011011100010011101110100
0010000001110010011001010110000101101
1000110110001111001001000000111010001
1000010110110001101011001000000111010
0011011110010000001101101011110010010
0000011001100111001001101001011001010
1101110011001000111001100100000011000
0101100010011011110111010101110100001
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0110111001111001011011010110111101110
0100110010100101100001000000111010001
1010000110010101111001001000000110101
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0100011011110110111000100111011101000
0100000011101010110111001100100011001
0101110010011100110111010001100001011
0111001100100001011100010000001000101
0111001101110000011001010110001101101
0010110000101101100011011000111100100
1000000111001101101001011011100110001
1011001010010000001101101011011110111
0011011101000010000001101111011001100
0100000011101000110100001100101011011
0100100000011000010111001001100101001
0000001110011011101000111001001100001
0110100101100111011010000111010000101
1000010000001100001011011100110010000
1000000111010001101000011001010010000
0011011110110111001100101011100110010
0000011101110110100001101111001000000
1100001011100100110010101101110001001
1101110100001000000110100001100001011
1011001100101001000000110010101101001
0111010001101000011001010111001000100
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1100100010000001101000011000010110010
0001000000110000100100000011001110110
1001011100100110110001100110011100100
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0000100000011011110111001000100000011
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0111001001100101001000000110001101101
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1011100110011100100000011101000110111
1001000000110001001100101001000000111
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1100111011010000111010000100000011000
0101100110011101000110010101110010001
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0100111001001100101011011100111010000
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0100101110011001011000010000001100001
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1100110010101110010011110010110111101
1011100110010100100000011100110110000
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1000011001010010000001101001011100110
0101110001000000101001101101000011001
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1000000110100001100101011100100010000
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0111001100101001000000100100100100000
0110001101100001011011100010000001110
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1100100010000001110011011010000110010
1001000000110000101100011011101000111
0101011000010110110001101100011110010
0100000011000100110010100100000011001
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0010110000100000010010010010000001100
0010110110001110111011000010111100101
1100110010000001100110011001010110110
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1011011001010010000001001001001000000
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0000100000011101000110000101101100011
0101100100000011101000110111100100000
0110100001100101011100100010000001110
1110110100101110100011010000110111101
1101010111010000100000011000100110010
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1010011101010110010001100111011001010
1100100001011100000110100001010000011
0100001010010010010111001100100000011
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1001110010000001110111011010010111010
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0001011101000011111100100000010101110
1101001011101000110100000100000011000
0101110011011010110110100101101110011
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0111010001100001011011000110101100100
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1001010111001000111111001000000100100
1001000000110010001101111011011100010
0111011101000010000001110100011010000
1101001011011100110101100100000011100
1101101111001011100010111000100000010
0100101100100011010110010111000100000
0100101001110101011100110111010000100
0000110011001100101011011000111010000
1000000111010001101000011001010010000
0011011100110010101100101011001000010
0000011101000110111100100000011000100
1101100011011110110011100100000011010
0101110100001011100010000001000001011
0111001100100001000000110100101101110
0010000001000010011010010110111001100
0010111001001111001001000000110001101
1011110110010001100101001011100010000
00011101000101001
to you, go to this site and translate it.
http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp
0101001101101111001000000111010001101
0000110010101110010011001010010011101
1100110010000001110100011010000110100
1011100110010000001100111011010010111
0010011011000010111000001101000010100
0001101000010100100000101101110011001
0000100000010010010010000001100001011
0110100100000011010110110100101101110
0110010000100000011011110110011000100
0000110100101101110001000000110110001
1011110111011001100101001000000111011
1011010010111010001101000001000000110
1000011001010111001000101110000011010
0001010000011010000101001000001011011
1001100100001000000100100100100000011
0001101100001011011100010011101110100
0010000001110010011001010110000101101
1000110110001111001001000000111010001
1000010110110001101011001000000111010
0011011110010000001101101011110010010
0000011001100111001001101001011001010
1101110011001000111001100100000011000
0101100010011011110111010101110100001
0000001101001011101000010000001100001
0110111001111001011011010110111101110
0100110010100101100001000000111010001
1010000110010101111001001000000110101
0011101010111001101110100001000000110
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Saturday, April 25, 2009
Kim Stolz is GORGEOUS
I admit to watching America's Next Top Model. And of every season, and every girl I've seen leave, I think I miss Kim Stolz the most. Kim was an out lesbian on cycle 5. And she was/is gorgeous. I personally prefer her with shorter hair. Hence why all these pictures she has short hair.
Yeah I know that's a lot of pictures, but I think Kim is a gorgeous woman, and every time I found one beautiful picture, I had to find another, and another. I only stopped because I got distracted by an interview with her.
Okay I lied. One more, but just cause she looks boyish in this one and its totally adorable.
Yeah I know that's a lot of pictures, but I think Kim is a gorgeous woman, and every time I found one beautiful picture, I had to find another, and another. I only stopped because I got distracted by an interview with her.
Okay I lied. One more, but just cause she looks boyish in this one and its totally adorable.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Melange Lavonne - I've Got You LYRICS
It seems every time I go to find lyrics to this song, I can't find them anywhere. So I went line for line with a youtube video and got the lyrics to the best of my ability.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Mélange Lavonne - I've Got You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKIQkva-VTw
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You ain't even here yet and I'm preparing myself yo
I'm trying to give you the best like love and health so
I'm doing everything thing that I can
Even though they keep telling me raising kids needs a woman and man
But I met your other mama there's the love of my life
Then I got down on one knee and made her my wife
And we both wanted kids so we made it a plan
I gave up the two seater and I bought me a van
Yo, society don't think that I can raise you right
When it comes down to it you my ray of sunshine
And I'd stay up all night if I have to
Til you go to sleep, you and me reciting nursery rhymes
Can't wait to see you smile and you wiggle your toes
And us trying to make you laugh when we tickle your nose
I made this song just to let you know
That you've got two loving parents in your life watching you grow
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
The most meaningful event was to witness your birth
I used to be self absorbed now I'm putting you first
Cause when I had you my entire life changed
I grew as an adult and responsible I became
Put thought in my decisions and the choices I made
To benefit you in good and positive ways
Cause I know you deserve the best
I used to spend money now when I get it all I do is invest
So you can go to college and be as great as you can
Accomplish all your dreams as a young woman or man
But until then help you get an awesome education
And make sure you're the proper age when you start dating
I love you regardless of the things you do
And I will pick you up if you should ever fall down
I'd do the best I could do to help you through
For my son or daughter yes I will be around
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
They say gays shouldn't be allowed to raise any kids
If they put that much energy in something like this
Imagine if they turned it around and protected a kid
Who got beat down by his father connecting the hits
Or the parents spending money on booze
Buying drugs to support the habit when the baby ain't got no shoes
Parents throwing new born babies in the trash
There are some straight parents that should not be moms or dads
So don't tell me I'm immoral cause I'm doing it still
Your opinion not between my kids but me and my wife
You need to take a good look at your own parenting skills
And tell your own kids to put down the gun or that knife
I'm not saying I might be a better parent than you
What I'm saying is I am a better parent than you
So all the parents out there bringing joy in their home
I want you to know to you I'm dedicating this song
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
But I got you
But I got you
But I got you
Mélange Lavonne - I've Got You
http://www.youtube.com/wat
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You ain't even here yet and I'm preparing myself yo
I'm trying to give you the best like love and health so
I'm doing everything thing that I can
Even though they keep telling me raising kids needs a woman and man
But I met your other mama there's the love of my life
Then I got down on one knee and made her my wife
And we both wanted kids so we made it a plan
I gave up the two seater and I bought me a van
Yo, society don't think that I can raise you right
When it comes down to it you my ray of sunshine
And I'd stay up all night if I have to
Til you go to sleep, you and me reciting nursery rhymes
Can't wait to see you smile and you wiggle your toes
And us trying to make you laugh when we tickle your nose
I made this song just to let you know
That you've got two loving parents in your life watching you grow
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
The most meaningful event was to witness your birth
I used to be self absorbed now I'm putting you first
Cause when I had you my entire life changed
I grew as an adult and responsible I became
Put thought in my decisions and the choices I made
To benefit you in good and positive ways
Cause I know you deserve the best
I used to spend money now when I get it all I do is invest
So you can go to college and be as great as you can
Accomplish all your dreams as a young woman or man
But until then help you get an awesome education
And make sure you're the proper age when you start dating
I love you regardless of the things you do
And I will pick you up if you should ever fall down
I'd do the best I could do to help you through
For my son or daughter yes I will be around
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
They say gays shouldn't be allowed to raise any kids
If they put that much energy in something like this
Imagine if they turned it around and protected a kid
Who got beat down by his father connecting the hits
Or the parents spending money on booze
Buying drugs to support the habit when the baby ain't got no shoes
Parents throwing new born babies in the trash
There are some straight parents that should not be moms or dads
So don't tell me I'm immoral cause I'm doing it still
Your opinion not between my kids but me and my wife
You need to take a good look at your own parenting skills
And tell your own kids to put down the gun or that knife
I'm not saying I might be a better parent than you
What I'm saying is I am a better parent than you
So all the parents out there bringing joy in their home
I want you to know to you I'm dedicating this song
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
You preach discrimination
But I got you
Some people call me hatin'
But I got you
So take an education
That I taught you
Gonna set a foundation
That I got through
But I got you
But I got you
But I got you
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Texts to Myself.
I text myself. To have someone to talk to. I sent myself a text.. in 22 parts. And I'm going to share here what it says.
God dammit Jessica.. What is wrong with you. You can't love someone who is broken. You shouldn't. I know you want to fix her and take her pain away. But that doesn't assure that she'll like you. Yes you know that, but still you stay. Still you let yourself feel the same way. Still you miss her. Her eyes her voice. Everything about her. Its almost like you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Do you want to be hurt? Because that's what you're doing. But of course you don't want to be hurt, but you'd rather take that chance than lose Colleen. You'd rather love and lose at love than love and lose her. It makes complete sense, that I can promise you. But Jessica... I'm almost positive you're going to get hurt. I just hope you're strong enough. Because after how Rebecca broke you, I don't know how much you can handle. I know you're dealing amazingly, but things may change. People may get hurt. Or you may not love her. There's still that chance. But with the intensity of what you feel, that chance is slim. I know you have a picture of her you look at when you miss her. I know you have a voicemail saved just in case you need to hear her voice. I know whenever you see the word "relax" you stop whatever you're doing and think about her. I know this. I know how you feel. I know how confused you are. How torn at the seams you are. How deep it all goes. I mean, shit, I'm you. Of course I would know. I'm just telling you there things because they're things you really need to realize even though you already know all of it. But dammit Jessica, it may be love, but its unrequited. Make it stop. You sound horrifically obsessed. How do you think Colleen sees it? Probably in the worst way. But that may just be my pessimism talking but damn Jessica... I don't even know what to say anymore to you half the time. Because half the time you don't even know how you feel about her. Not sure its love, then it is, then you don't know again.. Its getting tired fast. To me at least. But I totally understand the reasoning behind it. Once again because I'm you. But imagine how it looks to the outside world. That's why you stopped talking to almost all your friends about it. You look and sound like someone who is obsessed. Not so much lately since you've been able to deal with it so much more easily, but still you seem that way to yourself. And that's what matters isn't it? And what makes so sense is that you call it love. Is it love? Is it lust? Is it simply a crush gone awry? Or is it an obsession? What if it is? Can Colleen see it? I hope she can see the truth.. And maybe tell me. But I don't want to ask her for fear of the answer. Or fear of her asking why. Because I'd tell her why. And I told her I didn't love her because at the time I believed that. And I believe it on and off. I really don't know anymore.. And I still wish I could make it more clear. And I wish Colleen would be able to handle me talking about all this to her. But I really don't know if she can. And I don't want to take the chance of adding yet another thing to whatever is always on her mind. I don't want to be a burden. And I know damn well I have been one even though she won't admit it. That's just how she is... And that's another thing about her I just can't get enough of. Then again, I just can't get enough of her... I'm going to ask her what she thinks I feel. From what she knows.. If I'm brave enough.
And that is what I sent to myself.. a 22 part text message...
God dammit Jessica.. What is wrong with you. You can't love someone who is broken. You shouldn't. I know you want to fix her and take her pain away. But that doesn't assure that she'll like you. Yes you know that, but still you stay. Still you let yourself feel the same way. Still you miss her. Her eyes her voice. Everything about her. Its almost like you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Do you want to be hurt? Because that's what you're doing. But of course you don't want to be hurt, but you'd rather take that chance than lose Colleen. You'd rather love and lose at love than love and lose her. It makes complete sense, that I can promise you. But Jessica... I'm almost positive you're going to get hurt. I just hope you're strong enough. Because after how Rebecca broke you, I don't know how much you can handle. I know you're dealing amazingly, but things may change. People may get hurt. Or you may not love her. There's still that chance. But with the intensity of what you feel, that chance is slim. I know you have a picture of her you look at when you miss her. I know you have a voicemail saved just in case you need to hear her voice. I know whenever you see the word "relax" you stop whatever you're doing and think about her. I know this. I know how you feel. I know how confused you are. How torn at the seams you are. How deep it all goes. I mean, shit, I'm you. Of course I would know. I'm just telling you there things because they're things you really need to realize even though you already know all of it. But dammit Jessica, it may be love, but its unrequited. Make it stop. You sound horrifically obsessed. How do you think Colleen sees it? Probably in the worst way. But that may just be my pessimism talking but damn Jessica... I don't even know what to say anymore to you half the time. Because half the time you don't even know how you feel about her. Not sure its love, then it is, then you don't know again.. Its getting tired fast. To me at least. But I totally understand the reasoning behind it. Once again because I'm you. But imagine how it looks to the outside world. That's why you stopped talking to almost all your friends about it. You look and sound like someone who is obsessed. Not so much lately since you've been able to deal with it so much more easily, but still you seem that way to yourself. And that's what matters isn't it? And what makes so sense is that you call it love. Is it love? Is it lust? Is it simply a crush gone awry? Or is it an obsession? What if it is? Can Colleen see it? I hope she can see the truth.. And maybe tell me. But I don't want to ask her for fear of the answer. Or fear of her asking why. Because I'd tell her why. And I told her I didn't love her because at the time I believed that. And I believe it on and off. I really don't know anymore.. And I still wish I could make it more clear. And I wish Colleen would be able to handle me talking about all this to her. But I really don't know if she can. And I don't want to take the chance of adding yet another thing to whatever is always on her mind. I don't want to be a burden. And I know damn well I have been one even though she won't admit it. That's just how she is... And that's another thing about her I just can't get enough of. Then again, I just can't get enough of her... I'm going to ask her what she thinks I feel. From what she knows.. If I'm brave enough.
And that is what I sent to myself.. a 22 part text message...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
... Colleen
So I've lost the oomph behind writing about Colleen all the time.
Granted that may be a good thing...
You know, I don't think I believe in God. But I guess I prayed to Him the other night. I didn't let it on that I was pretending to believe. But damn was I asking Him for help. To make it hurt less. At first I asked to stop loving Colleen. But I didn't want that. And I didn't want to take the chance of that happening.
But when I was.. praying.. it was more just me laying in bed crying. Talking to my ceiling as if someone was there who could listen and make it all better. And I didn't feel like a fool once.
I don't know if I truly prayed, or even if He exists to hear me. I do know though, that it helped. Just to talk about it.. even to my ceiling.. even to God. People say He knows everything that is happening. But truly how can one person look after everything? So I told Him some of what was going on, and in the end I just asked to be stronger. To be able to get through this no matter what the outcome..
I texted Colleen after I "prayed" and asked her if in her opinion if prayers are answered even if you're not sure if you believe in God. The next morning I woke up to a text from her saying yes. And I smiled, because even though I'm not positive I believe in God, I know damn well I believe in Colleen.
Granted that may be a good thing...
You know, I don't think I believe in God. But I guess I prayed to Him the other night. I didn't let it on that I was pretending to believe. But damn was I asking Him for help. To make it hurt less. At first I asked to stop loving Colleen. But I didn't want that. And I didn't want to take the chance of that happening.
But when I was.. praying.. it was more just me laying in bed crying. Talking to my ceiling as if someone was there who could listen and make it all better. And I didn't feel like a fool once.
I don't know if I truly prayed, or even if He exists to hear me. I do know though, that it helped. Just to talk about it.. even to my ceiling.. even to God. People say He knows everything that is happening. But truly how can one person look after everything? So I told Him some of what was going on, and in the end I just asked to be stronger. To be able to get through this no matter what the outcome..
I texted Colleen after I "prayed" and asked her if in her opinion if prayers are answered even if you're not sure if you believe in God. The next morning I woke up to a text from her saying yes. And I smiled, because even though I'm not positive I believe in God, I know damn well I believe in Colleen.
I didn't lie to her.
In regards to my last blog. I didn't lie to her. That would have been a betrayal of any trust she has in me. And I care about her too much to do that. Plus its not as crazy anymore.. how much I like her. Its all the same, don't get me wrong. Its just easier to deal with, and I don't feel the need to mention it all the time. Which was my large downfall. Now I just find myself feeling the same way, but reserving it in my heart for when it matters. You know what I mean?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I don't WANT to lie to her...
I'm thinking about lying to Colleen...
To tell her that I don't like her anymore.
That it must have been like those times where you haven't
seen anyone for a while and everything just gets so mixed up.
I already told her I didn't love her. [As stated in a previous blog]
And at the time I believed it was true.
So maybe I can wait a week and lie to her...
But I don't want to lie to her.
But I want her to know that I am here for her for anything
and that I don't have anything up my sleeves. Cause I don't.
I really don't want to lie to her, but if it helps get something off her
mind that is bothering her, I'll be helping won't I?
But at the same time, if I were to lie to her...
I could ruin my chance with her for the rest of my life........
To tell her that I don't like her anymore.
That it must have been like those times where you haven't
seen anyone for a while and everything just gets so mixed up.
I already told her I didn't love her. [As stated in a previous blog]
And at the time I believed it was true.
So maybe I can wait a week and lie to her...
But I don't want to lie to her.
But I want her to know that I am here for her for anything
and that I don't have anything up my sleeves. Cause I don't.
I really don't want to lie to her, but if it helps get something off her
mind that is bothering her, I'll be helping won't I?
But at the same time, if I were to lie to her...
I could ruin my chance with her for the rest of my life........
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
My Irrational Fear
So... my irrational fear told me that the reason you became distant and needed space is because I told you I thought I may be in love with you. So last night we were talking and I slightly lied to you. I told you I realized I DON'T love you. I DO still like you a lot. That hasn't changed. But I think my heart got ahead of me and I more fell in love with the THOUGHT of you. And the truth is, I don't know if that is true. I do believe I love you, but the space and time away from you just taught me how to deal with it more easily. But in actuality, what I said to you last night may have been true. I don't know. It is another one of those things I don't know when it comes to you.
But yesterday, when I finally saw you for the first time in over a week, finally hung out with you for the first time in about 2 or 3 weeks... My heart beat didn't falter when I saw you. I didn't get those butterflies.. You always gave me those butterflies. But the time away from you... they must have died. Or got stuck in their cocoons. But I still couldn't keep my eyes off of you... THAT hasn't changed. So maybe nothing has?
And in actuality, by saying it to you, I really didn't lie. Because I don't know the truth as it is. But I did realize that I've only been talking to you for two months. And that is slightly irrational for me to believe I'm in love with you in less that two months... But I was in love with Rebecca in a short time too.. But it was so different than that which I feel for you. So why do I keep comparing?
And if I did love her, and this for you is so much stronger, then do I love you? By saying I don't love you, am I saying I never loved Rebecca?
But yesterday, when I finally saw you for the first time in over a week, finally hung out with you for the first time in about 2 or 3 weeks... My heart beat didn't falter when I saw you. I didn't get those butterflies.. You always gave me those butterflies. But the time away from you... they must have died. Or got stuck in their cocoons. But I still couldn't keep my eyes off of you... THAT hasn't changed. So maybe nothing has?
And in actuality, by saying it to you, I really didn't lie. Because I don't know the truth as it is. But I did realize that I've only been talking to you for two months. And that is slightly irrational for me to believe I'm in love with you in less that two months... But I was in love with Rebecca in a short time too.. But it was so different than that which I feel for you. So why do I keep comparing?
And if I did love her, and this for you is so much stronger, then do I love you? By saying I don't love you, am I saying I never loved Rebecca?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Off The Usual Topic
Zen: no offence but your freaking David shit and that you've "never truly cared about a girl so that's why you think your gay" and now this Emily shit is fucking giving me whiplash
Nox: what?
Auto Response from Zen:
when I think about
it&take a step back
maybe..
i like being
*Imperfect*
Zen: what what
Nox: i dnt get what u mean
Zen: It makes no fucking sense.
Nox: ...im not fully gay, i like girls but not as much as guys, im dating emily cuz i do like her, david is jus a player, he'll nvr like me as much as i do
Nox: ....
Zen: FINALLY YOU FUCKING SEE THE TRUTH. I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW LONG THAT YOU'RE NOT GAY. AND ALL YOU EVER DID WAS FUCKING INSIST "YES I AM, I'VE NEVER TRULY CARED ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE. ONLY GUYS." BLAH FUCKING BLAH. I TOLD YOU.Nox: ....
Nox: ?
Zen: You ARE NOT GAY. You're just a fucking confused little 13 year old. And I'm sorry but I've been wanting to say this shit for a long time. DAVID. DOESN'T. CARE. ABOUT. YOU. And its taken you too freaking long to see it. That's why I show even less emotion than usual when you talk about him. That's why I don't care about your sexual endeavors with him. I just don't fucking care anymore. And it really pisses me off when I say something about Colleen and you immediately relate it to David. STOP. Your relationship with him is nothing like ANYTHING between me and Colleen. I LOVE Colleen. You DON'T love David. You don't fucking know what love is, because if you did I wouldn't have to deal with you always bringing David up when I talked about Colleen because you'd understand that that's the WRONG THING TO DO. But NOOO, you know EVERYTHING. And you HATE when I say you don't know something because you're younger. Well guess what, you DON'T know what love is. No fucking freshman in the word does. They THINK they do. Shit I fucking thought I did. But No Noxxy.. You fucking DON'T. I don't care what the fuck you say. You don't love David. You're OBSESSED. Get the fuck over him cause I know damn well you're going to most likely end up ruining your relationship with Emily simply because of David because you miss him, and you care about him SOOOOOO much.
Nox: ...
Nox: im 14...
Zen: Thats not the fucking point.
Zen: I care about you to death Noxxy, but you don't know everything. And when I tell you, you don't stop trying to fight back and say you do. Because I don't know everything so you can't. But I do know a lot more than you. I've had a hard fucking life and had to grow up VERY quickly. Where you are now is where I was at like age 7. And I'm not exaggerating. You don't know what love is. Its something that takes a long time to learn, and when you finally DO love someone, you'll realize how idiotic you were to think that you knew was it was. I thought I loved this boy Pasquale. Even after he ruined my life. And I swore I loved him up until the point I fell in love with Rebecca. But with Rebecca I learned what true fucking love WAS. And I know damn fucking well you haven't been through that yet. You can see it in someones eyes if they've ever truly loved anyone. And you haven't. Not that way.
Nox: ...meh..im pathetic....sorry for everything zen...i do love you till the edge of the world...
Zen: You're not pathetic. You just need to see the truth. And I'm sorry you had to see it this way. But with all the bullshit going on in my life I needed someone to snap on, and I decided for it to be you. But it was a good snap because I'm showing you so many things you need to hear and need to know.
Nox: i dnt mean to do any of that stuff to u....i really should have stopped....im not obbssessed but im not in love, its all "lust" or sum b.s....i shouldve just listened...
Zen: I wouldn't have listened in the first place either. Thats why I've said these things so many freakinf times. I'm just sorry that I had to go so far as to yell at you over AIM in order for you to see any of this.
Nox: its ok...its for the better?
Zen: It really is, and I really am sorry.When you disappear...
You tend to disappear a lot lately. And I hate it. I haven't seen you in almost a week. And I used to see you almost every day. And now I go a week without you. Only talking to you about 3 of the days. And I believe that is only because of the nightmares I had that you killed yourself. I hate when you disappear. I worry about you. Because of everything that is going wrong in your life. The fact that you can't talk to anyone. And sometimes it scares me. Afraid of what your capable of.
And, no lie, the moment I finish typing the word "of" my phone vibrates in my pocket. And its you. And I'm happy. And tears fill my eyes because I'm happy. And because I miss you, and so many other things.. My god, I fucking love you...
And, no lie, the moment I finish typing the word "of" my phone vibrates in my pocket. And its you. And I'm happy. And tears fill my eyes because I'm happy. And because I miss you, and so many other things.. My god, I fucking love you...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dear _________
Colleen,
It is kind of pathetic. How often I think about you. How simply seeing you drive by made my day. How hearing "If You Seek Amy" makes me think about you. How I have a voice mail from you saved in my phone, just in case I need to hear your voice. How I hear the word "relax" from anyone, and it makes me miss you, but I hear that word uttered from your lips, and I actually do relax. It always helped. Even the first time you said it... over three years ago. And back then I simply had a crush on you. Never even knew you legitimately. Just thought you were soo cute. And that year I just liked you. And the next year, I never saw you. But I remembered you, and liked you. And somewhere in that time I got your number that we'd text. And your personality that I could see in just text messages was amazing, but I simply only liked you, the image of you, the you I barely knew in the beginning. And the summer before my junior year, we were texting one night, and Maria made me ask you if you'd ever date me. And I remember that you said, "I don't see why not." But you said we'd have to hang out first. Get to know each other better. And then school started, and I started dating this boy Bobby. And you started dating this girl Anna. And she hated me. I'd text you to say hi, and she'd say to me in school the next day, "Stop talking to Colleen." Or she'd have Ortoleva tell me to leave you alone. I ignored it for the most part. She couldn't stop me from being your friend, and by that point I hadn't seen you in so long, I barely even had that crush anymore. And one say I got a text from a number I didn't know. And I remember that text told me to leave you alone. That you didn't care about me. That I wasn't allowed to talk to you ever again. So I texted you later that night. And I told you what the text said and that apparently I wasn't allowed to talk to you ever again. And you apologized for Anna being so rude. So we kept talking. Not as often, just sometimes. And Anna would still tell Ortoleva to tell me to leave you alone. So finally I did. I stopped talking to you for about a year and a half. Rarely ever thought about you. Until a few months ago, I went on your facebook and commented, "Hey, long time no talk." And we talked there. And you told me to text you. And I did, and that very night you wanted to hang out for a little bit. So we did. Drove up to the fire house so you could get something, then we just sat in your car talking for an hour or so. I said more to you in that hour than I ever had in 3 years. I was always so nervous around you, I was crushing so badly back then. You knew then too. You always know.. And that's when you always told me to relax. And then it worked, and now it works. And in that one hour seeing you - I remembered my crazy crush on you from way back when. And while sitting there talking to you, I looked at you. Looked at more than just what the eyes can see. And I saw you're beauty [whether you like that word or not] and I noticed your eyes. I've told you about them. How calm and serene they are, but I always feel like they can pierce through to my soul and see whatever is wrong. And I noticed your smile. And mostly, your voice. Something about it, its kind of intoxicating. And then after night that we started hanging out so often. And every day I'd notice more and more. Eventually I realized that I liked you, but it was nothing like that it used to be. I liked you for you. For your personality, not just your looks. But you were hurting, you still are. And I saw it. And I see it. And more time passed [but not much because that first night we hung out will be 2 months ago in 2 days.. facebook told me.] and with that time that passed so many things have happened... In real life, and in my mind... and heart. But this you all know. I know you know it.
I don't know if I really do love you. Maybe its just the thought of you I love. But either way my promises stay the same. I will never hurt you, and if I do I will spend the rest of eternity making up for it. I will always be here for you, as long as you allow me to be. I will be here for you to trust, whenever you can trust me. Those things wont be changing Colleen. As long as you allow me to be in your life, in any way, those things will never change. That is another promise I will make to you because I do love you, whether it may be friend love or more I still am not positive, but it makes sense. Wouldn't you think?
It is kind of pathetic. How often I think about you. How simply seeing you drive by made my day. How hearing "If You Seek Amy" makes me think about you. How I have a voice mail from you saved in my phone, just in case I need to hear your voice. How I hear the word "relax" from anyone, and it makes me miss you, but I hear that word uttered from your lips, and I actually do relax. It always helped. Even the first time you said it... over three years ago. And back then I simply had a crush on you. Never even knew you legitimately. Just thought you were soo cute. And that year I just liked you. And the next year, I never saw you. But I remembered you, and liked you. And somewhere in that time I got your number that we'd text. And your personality that I could see in just text messages was amazing, but I simply only liked you, the image of you, the you I barely knew in the beginning. And the summer before my junior year, we were texting one night, and Maria made me ask you if you'd ever date me. And I remember that you said, "I don't see why not." But you said we'd have to hang out first. Get to know each other better. And then school started, and I started dating this boy Bobby. And you started dating this girl Anna. And she hated me. I'd text you to say hi, and she'd say to me in school the next day, "Stop talking to Colleen." Or she'd have Ortoleva tell me to leave you alone. I ignored it for the most part. She couldn't stop me from being your friend, and by that point I hadn't seen you in so long, I barely even had that crush anymore. And one say I got a text from a number I didn't know. And I remember that text told me to leave you alone. That you didn't care about me. That I wasn't allowed to talk to you ever again. So I texted you later that night. And I told you what the text said and that apparently I wasn't allowed to talk to you ever again. And you apologized for Anna being so rude. So we kept talking. Not as often, just sometimes. And Anna would still tell Ortoleva to tell me to leave you alone. So finally I did. I stopped talking to you for about a year and a half. Rarely ever thought about you. Until a few months ago, I went on your facebook and commented, "Hey, long time no talk." And we talked there. And you told me to text you. And I did, and that very night you wanted to hang out for a little bit. So we did. Drove up to the fire house so you could get something, then we just sat in your car talking for an hour or so. I said more to you in that hour than I ever had in 3 years. I was always so nervous around you, I was crushing so badly back then. You knew then too. You always know.. And that's when you always told me to relax. And then it worked, and now it works. And in that one hour seeing you - I remembered my crazy crush on you from way back when. And while sitting there talking to you, I looked at you. Looked at more than just what the eyes can see. And I saw you're beauty [whether you like that word or not] and I noticed your eyes. I've told you about them. How calm and serene they are, but I always feel like they can pierce through to my soul and see whatever is wrong. And I noticed your smile. And mostly, your voice. Something about it, its kind of intoxicating. And then after night that we started hanging out so often. And every day I'd notice more and more. Eventually I realized that I liked you, but it was nothing like that it used to be. I liked you for you. For your personality, not just your looks. But you were hurting, you still are. And I saw it. And I see it. And more time passed [but not much because that first night we hung out will be 2 months ago in 2 days.. facebook told me.] and with that time that passed so many things have happened... In real life, and in my mind... and heart. But this you all know. I know you know it.
I don't know if I really do love you. Maybe its just the thought of you I love. But either way my promises stay the same. I will never hurt you, and if I do I will spend the rest of eternity making up for it. I will always be here for you, as long as you allow me to be. I will be here for you to trust, whenever you can trust me. Those things wont be changing Colleen. As long as you allow me to be in your life, in any way, those things will never change. That is another promise I will make to you because I do love you, whether it may be friend love or more I still am not positive, but it makes sense. Wouldn't you think?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wishes...
The girl I am now in love with is depressed and needs to talk to someone about whats bothering her, but her ex girlfriend killed any trust that Colleen had in anyone. So she doesn't trust anyone enough to talk to them and whenever I talk to her I can hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes, and I know that all I can do is sit there. I hate not being able to help her. But I know at least if she really needs one, she'll come to me for a hug. And those actually help. Hugs can make the world a better place. Sometimes I wish that I could freeze frame a hug from her, because the way she holds me - I can tell she doesn't want to let go until all of her problems disappear. And I would stand there and hold her no matter how long it takes because I love her and she doesn't deserve all the crap [I know about] that shes going through. And I wish wish wish a hug could just take it all away.. Like the first time I ever hugged her - she had talked to her ex girlfriend and Anna was a complete bitch when all Colleen wanted to do was wish her a good vacation, to tell her to be safe, etc. [Colleens the pessimistic kind that thinks "But what if she dies and I never said goodbye."] But Anna was a bitch, and Colleen who never cries, cried silently in the car for over an hour driving back from NY with me and some other people. And when I got back to my house I hugged her, to try and make it all go away, and the pain I saw in her eyes... it was almost unbearable for me to see... and I hate it. I hate what Anna did to her. I hate that she doesn't trust me. I hate that so much stuff is going wrong that she disappears without a trace for days at a time that I have to text our friend and ask him if she is even alive because I'm having nightmares she killed herself. And I hate that I let myself get mad at her for ignoring me no matter how many times I told her I was worried and asked her if she was alive. And I hate that the moment I heard her voice there was an aching in my chest.. a longing to see her. Even if only for a few minutes... and when I hung up the phone with her, tears were falling from my eyes because I missed her so much... I even missed the sound of her voice... I talk to my friends about it. Shit, I even talk to HER about it. But there's still so much I can't tell her. And I refuse to tell her anymore because she was talking to her friend Kelsea who also happens to be friends with my sister about things with me, and Kelsea got worried about me, thinking I was suicidal and told my sister about things I've said to Colleen that I wish no one else could ever know about, and my sister told my mother because she thus got worried about me... and somewhere along the lines someone twisted everything into an obsession and created false words from my lips stating that life without her isn't worth living. Which I never said. Never said anything remotely NEAR... so I refuse to tell her anything else. Afraid that she wont take it the way I intend it. I can't even tell her I miss her anymore.. because apparently by doing that I'm obsessed. I was told that along with the false words that I supposedly said.. But she only mentioned it to Kelsea because she herself was worried about me. Because that day she thought I simply had a break down because I missed her. When in actuality it was because I was scared. I had been worried about her all day. But she didn't know that until the day after. Also the day after she talked to Kelsea about being so worried about me. She doesn't see me the way I see her. Though she herself did say that no one knows what the future may bring, I do. It will bring me waiting for her for an eternity breaking my own heart and striving to make her love me.
I told her that I believed I may be in love with her. And she asked me if I was. And I told her that I think I am because the moment I told her that there was a possibility that I had fallen in love with her, it just felt right. It felt right to finally get the words to explain the depth and intensity of everything. Then she asked me why. And I told her it was almost everything. Every moment I spend with her is bliss. I hear her voice, and my heart beats faster. I hate not hearing from her. I always think about her. I can't stay away from her. Her personality. Her eyes. Her smile. Everything about her. And she asked me why I think we should be together. And my answer was because when I am around you is like nothing I've ever felt before. Yes, I may have loved Rebecca, but this is nothing like that. And if I were to ever have her I would be the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I would spend every moment living to make her happy too.
She told me that she likes me. As a friend. And she wishes she knew what to say, but with everything going on with Anna, and everything else that bothering her, she doesn't know what else to say other than that she doesn't know what the future will bring. She said she understood where I was coming from, understands what I mean. And what makes it amazing is through it all, she hasn't treated me differently once. Because that's not the way she is. And it makes me cry sometimes because there's always that lingering false sense of hope that maybe just maybe she may see me in a similar way I see her. But her heart is still will Anna, and she can't get it back because Anna has it held tight in her grasp. Each day hurting her more and more. Which is another this I wish I could make go away. I wish I could beat the shit out of Anna for everything shes done to Colleen. Physically hurt her as much as she's emotionally hurt Colleen. But by doing that, I'd be hurting Colleen. And I swore I'd never hurt her on purpose, and if I ever were to hurt her I'd spend the rest of my life making up for it and trying to fix it.
But even with all this that I've told you there's really no way to truly explain the depth of that which I feel for her. There's so much of it that I can't even put into words. And I wish I could. Because if I could, I could show her that everything I feel is true. That, as long as it is in my power, I would never hurt her. Even if I didn't love her I'd still not be able to hurt her. Her heart and soul is too pure to need that pain... And a hug can't take that pain away no matter how tight or how long I hold her...
And no matter what anyone says this is the girl I want to be with. The girl I want to hold and love for the rest of my life. The only person that can take that away is her.
I told her that I believed I may be in love with her. And she asked me if I was. And I told her that I think I am because the moment I told her that there was a possibility that I had fallen in love with her, it just felt right. It felt right to finally get the words to explain the depth and intensity of everything. Then she asked me why. And I told her it was almost everything. Every moment I spend with her is bliss. I hear her voice, and my heart beats faster. I hate not hearing from her. I always think about her. I can't stay away from her. Her personality. Her eyes. Her smile. Everything about her. And she asked me why I think we should be together. And my answer was because when I am around you is like nothing I've ever felt before. Yes, I may have loved Rebecca, but this is nothing like that. And if I were to ever have her I would be the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I would spend every moment living to make her happy too.
She told me that she likes me. As a friend. And she wishes she knew what to say, but with everything going on with Anna, and everything else that bothering her, she doesn't know what else to say other than that she doesn't know what the future will bring. She said she understood where I was coming from, understands what I mean. And what makes it amazing is through it all, she hasn't treated me differently once. Because that's not the way she is. And it makes me cry sometimes because there's always that lingering false sense of hope that maybe just maybe she may see me in a similar way I see her. But her heart is still will Anna, and she can't get it back because Anna has it held tight in her grasp. Each day hurting her more and more. Which is another this I wish I could make go away. I wish I could beat the shit out of Anna for everything shes done to Colleen. Physically hurt her as much as she's emotionally hurt Colleen. But by doing that, I'd be hurting Colleen. And I swore I'd never hurt her on purpose, and if I ever were to hurt her I'd spend the rest of my life making up for it and trying to fix it.
But even with all this that I've told you there's really no way to truly explain the depth of that which I feel for her. There's so much of it that I can't even put into words. And I wish I could. Because if I could, I could show her that everything I feel is true. That, as long as it is in my power, I would never hurt her. Even if I didn't love her I'd still not be able to hurt her. Her heart and soul is too pure to need that pain... And a hug can't take that pain away no matter how tight or how long I hold her...
And no matter what anyone says this is the girl I want to be with. The girl I want to hold and love for the rest of my life. The only person that can take that away is her.
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