A lot has happened since my last blog. And basically none to do with Colleen. The most that happened with Colleen is that I gave her a senior picture of me with a freakin STORY written on the back of it. And another day she said we were gonna chill.. and poofed for the rest of the night and the next day.
But where has the a lot happened you ask? There's this girl Korin. And everything with her is just so fucked up I don't think blogger.com has enough room for it all.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
LSG - Lesbian Security Guard
I don't know what I plan to write about. I guess it has to do with Colleen. Maybe it has to do with Trish. Yes! I can talk about Trish.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Makes Me Want to Cry Happy Tears
9 part text to Colleen late at night.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Happy Birthday To Me
So today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Got a new laptop. ^-^
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
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