Almost 5 months..

I'm sorry.. to anyone who might actually check in on this and wonder about me.. and everything that is going on. It seems life got too much, and I just stopped with this all together. Or maybe I just stopped with Colleen.

If I remember correctly I had stated how Colleen would stop talking to me for days at a time, we wouldn't see each other for a week or so.. maybe more, I don't remember much from that long ago. Colleen and I are not together, though at times I still wish. At the moment we are friends, as we were before. My horrific obsession I had with her that I led myself to believe was love for her is no longer. I realized that the only reason I believed I loved her was because she was the first person I really cared about since Rebecca. I wanted to believe I could love someone again, so I forced myself into thinking I loved Colleen. Granted, she is very lovable and if she gave me the chance I could probably easily fall in love with her.

Things have changed with Colleen. A lot. We don't see each other often at all, and we don't text 24/7. But we mostly text for at least a short amount of time at least once a day. And with that, yeah it sucks that we don't really talk so often anymore and see each other once a month [that's actually exaggerating.. more like once every two months] but it's still better than not seeing or talking to her at all.

So I'm not in love with her. Never was, but I do still like her. It seems every time I see her I end up having a dream about her.. the second to last time I saw her [like 2 and a half months ago] it wasn't even for that long... at the moment I can't even remember what we did that I saw her. Something with McFeldy. Umm.. Maybe we just drove around. I really don't remember. But I know that after I saw her I had a dream -- We were hanging out with a group of people she knew, and as long as I was near them they acted fake and accepted me, but the moment I was away from the group I could hear them talking shit. But someone suggested we all go to the movies, so we all started walking back to the cars, and I was walking ahead of everyone tired of hearing their bullshit. Colleen caught up with me and told me to ignore them, that what they think doesn't matter. So we got back to her car, and I'm assuming everyone else got in their own cars because it was just me and Colleen in her car, and she just grabbed my hand and held it. She was driving left handed and her right hand was holding my hand.. she'd reach to change the station, she'd not let go of my hand but take it with hers. So I told her "you can let go of my hand to change the station..." and Colleen just said that she didn't want to. -- I woke up that morning just thinking to myself "Fuck I thought I was over her," and my heart pounding in my chest..

Then the other day was her birthday. And I saw invited me out to dinner with some friends and I went, and it was fun, I didn't really talk to her much because she was stuck in conversations with people she sees basically daily at work or at least a lot more often than me but we still talked and it was just nice seeing her in general, and she said the same to me. And when she was dropping me back home I told her she had to wait while I went in to get her her gift. So I got her the big penguin I won at six flags because I knew she'd like it. So I hid it in my sister's hoodie and brought it out to her. When she saw the penguin there was a cute little twinkle in her eye that gave it away that she really did like it. And she looked happy. Maybe I was reading her wrong, or just saw something, I don't know. But that night? Yeah, I had another dream which I don't remember all of but the important part to me is -- She kept falling asleep, we were somewhere and she was laying down on her side and almost falling asleep a few times, and I'd keep saying "Wakey wakey" but one time I lay down right next to her, nice and close and said it again. "Wakey wakey" so she opened her eyes again, slightly surprised to see me laying there and then her facial expression just got calm and relaxed and I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I closed my eyes to calm myself down so I wouldn't. And as I did so, suddenly I felt her kissing me, her lips so soft and were just so.. well, kissable. And I didn't want to stop. -- But it did stop. :( Sadly. lol. And I woke up afterward still feeling the way I feel when I kiss someone, my heart being pulled.. wanting more.

But yeah.. as I was typing this I had a let down. Colleen texted me about McFeldy [who also likes Colleen, a lot] and was saying that she [Colleen] wants to date someone that they both love each other but McFeldy threatened to kill herself if she did. So Colleen was texting me about it for advice or something I guess. But she said she was in love with this other chick and she loved her so basically I have no chance whatsoever. Then again, when did I?