Wishes...

The girl I am now in love with is depressed and needs to talk to someone about whats bothering her, but her ex girlfriend killed any trust that Colleen had in anyone. So she doesn't trust anyone enough to talk to them and whenever I talk to her I can hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes, and I know that all I can do is sit there. I hate not being able to help her. But I know at least if she really needs one, she'll come to me for a hug. And those actually help. Hugs can make the world a better place. Sometimes I wish that I could freeze frame a hug from her, because the way she holds me - I can tell she doesn't want to let go until all of her problems disappear. And I would stand there and hold her no matter how long it takes because I love her and she doesn't deserve all the crap [I know about] that shes going through. And I wish wish wish a hug could just take it all away.. Like the first time I ever hugged her - she had talked to her ex girlfriend and Anna was a complete bitch when all Colleen wanted to do was wish her a good vacation, to tell her to be safe, etc. [Colleens the pessimistic kind that thinks "But what if she dies and I never said goodbye."] But Anna was a bitch, and Colleen who never cries, cried silently in the car for over an hour driving back from NY with me and some other people. And when I got back to my house I hugged her, to try and make it all go away, and the pain I saw in her eyes... it was almost unbearable for me to see... and I hate it. I hate what Anna did to her. I hate that she doesn't trust me. I hate that so much stuff is going wrong that she disappears without a trace for days at a time that I have to text our friend and ask him if she is even alive because I'm having nightmares she killed herself. And I hate that I let myself get mad at her for ignoring me no matter how many times I told her I was worried and asked her if she was alive. And I hate that the moment I heard her voice there was an aching in my chest.. a longing to see her. Even if only for a few minutes... and when I hung up the phone with her, tears were falling from my eyes because I missed her so much... I even missed the sound of her voice... I talk to my friends about it. Shit, I even talk to HER about it. But there's still so much I can't tell her. And I refuse to tell her anymore because she was talking to her friend Kelsea who also happens to be friends with my sister about things with me, and Kelsea got worried about me, thinking I was suicidal and told my sister about things I've said to Colleen that I wish no one else could ever know about, and my sister told my mother because she thus got worried about me... and somewhere along the lines someone twisted everything into an obsession and created false words from my lips stating that life without her isn't worth living. Which I never said. Never said anything remotely NEAR... so I refuse to tell her anything else. Afraid that she wont take it the way I intend it. I can't even tell her I miss her anymore.. because apparently by doing that I'm obsessed. I was told that along with the false words that I supposedly said.. But she only mentioned it to Kelsea because she herself was worried about me. Because that day she thought I simply had a break down because I missed her. When in actuality it was because I was scared. I had been worried about her all day. But she didn't know that until the day after. Also the day after she talked to Kelsea about being so worried about me. She doesn't see me the way I see her. Though she herself did say that no one knows what the future may bring, I do. It will bring me waiting for her for an eternity breaking my own heart and striving to make her love me.
I told her that I believed I may be in love with her. And she asked me if I was. And I told her that I think I am because the moment I told her that there was a possibility that I had fallen in love with her, it just felt right. It felt right to finally get the words to explain the depth and intensity of everything. Then she asked me why. And I told her it was almost everything. Every moment I spend with her is bliss. I hear her voice, and my heart beats faster. I hate not hearing from her. I always think about her. I can't stay away from her. Her personality. Her eyes. Her smile. Everything about her. And she asked me why I think we should be together. And my answer was because when I am around you is like nothing I've ever felt before. Yes, I may have loved Rebecca, but this is nothing like that. And if I were to ever have her I would be the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I would spend every moment living to make her happy too.
She told me that she likes me. As a friend. And she wishes she knew what to say, but with everything going on with Anna, and everything else that bothering her, she doesn't know what else to say other than that she doesn't know what the future will bring. She said she understood where I was coming from, understands what I mean. And what makes it amazing is through it all, she hasn't treated me differently once. Because that's not the way she is. And it makes me cry sometimes because there's always that lingering false sense of hope that maybe just maybe she may see me in a similar way I see her. But her heart is still will Anna, and she can't get it back because Anna has it held tight in her grasp. Each day hurting her more and more. Which is another this I wish I could make go away. I wish I could beat the shit out of Anna for everything shes done to Colleen. Physically hurt her as much as she's emotionally hurt Colleen. But by doing that, I'd be hurting Colleen. And I swore I'd never hurt her on purpose, and if I ever were to hurt her I'd spend the rest of my life making up for it and trying to fix it.

But even with all this that I've told you there's really no way to truly explain the depth of that which I feel for her. There's so much of it that I can't even put into words. And I wish I could. Because if I could, I could show her that everything I feel is true. That, as long as it is in my power, I would never hurt her. Even if I didn't love her I'd still not be able to hurt her. Her heart and soul is too pure to need that pain... And a hug can't take that pain away no matter how tight or how long I hold her...

And no matter what anyone says this is the girl I want to be with. The girl I want to hold and love for the rest of my life. The only person that can take that away is her.