Texts to Myself.

I text myself. To have someone to talk to. I sent myself a text.. in 22 parts. And I'm going to share here what it says.

God dammit Jessica.. What is wrong with you. You can't love someone who is broken. You shouldn't. I know you want to fix her and take her pain away. But that doesn't assure that she'll like you. Yes you know that, but still you stay. Still you let yourself feel the same way. Still you miss her. Her eyes her voice. Everything about her. Its almost like you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Do you want to be hurt? Because that's what you're doing. But of course you don't want to be hurt, but you'd rather take that chance than lose Colleen. You'd rather love and lose at love than love and lose her. It makes complete sense, that I can promise you. But Jessica... I'm almost positive you're going to get hurt. I just hope you're strong enough. Because after how Rebecca broke you, I don't know how much you can handle. I know you're dealing amazingly, but things may change. People may get hurt. Or you may not love her. There's still that chance. But with the intensity of what you feel, that chance is slim. I know you have a picture of her you look at when you miss her. I know you have a voicemail saved just in case you need to hear her voice. I know whenever you see the word "relax" you stop whatever you're doing and think about her. I know this. I know how you feel. I know how confused you are. How torn at the seams you are. How deep it all goes. I mean, shit, I'm you. Of course I would know. I'm just telling you there things because they're things you really need to realize even though you already know all of it. But dammit Jessica, it may be love, but its unrequited. Make it stop. You sound horrifically obsessed. How do you think Colleen sees it? Probably in the worst way. But that may just be my pessimism talking but damn Jessica... I don't even know what to say anymore to you half the time. Because half the time you don't even know how you feel about her. Not sure its love, then it is, then you don't know again.. Its getting tired fast. To me at least. But I totally understand the reasoning behind it. Once again because I'm you. But imagine how it looks to the outside world. That's why you stopped talking to almost all your friends about it. You look and sound like someone who is obsessed. Not so much lately since you've been able to deal with it so much more easily, but still you seem that way to yourself. And that's what matters isn't it? And what makes so sense is that you call it love. Is it love? Is it lust? Is it simply a crush gone awry? Or is it an obsession? What if it is? Can Colleen see it? I hope she can see the truth.. And maybe tell me. But I don't want to ask her for fear of the answer. Or fear of her asking why. Because I'd tell her why. And I told her I didn't love her because at the time I believed that. And I believe it on and off. I really don't know anymore.. And I still wish I could make it more clear. And I wish Colleen would be able to handle me talking about all this to her. But I really don't know if she can. And I don't want to take the chance of adding yet another thing to whatever is always on her mind. I don't want to be a burden. And I know damn well I have been one even though she won't admit it. That's just how she is... And that's another thing about her I just can't get enough of. Then again, I just can't get enough of her... I'm going to ask her what she thinks I feel. From what she knows.. If I'm brave enough.

And that is what I sent to myself.. a 22 part text message...