I'm sorry.. to anyone who might actually check in on this and wonder about me.. and everything that is going on. It seems life got too much, and I just stopped with this all together. Or maybe I just stopped with Colleen.
If I remember correctly I had stated how Colleen would stop talking to me for days at a time, we wouldn't see each other for a week or so.. maybe more, I don't remember much from that long ago. Colleen and I are not together, though at times I still wish. At the moment we are friends, as we were before. My horrific obsession I had with her that I led myself to believe was love for her is no longer. I realized that the only reason I believed I loved her was because she was the first person I really cared about since Rebecca. I wanted to believe I could love someone again, so I forced myself into thinking I loved Colleen. Granted, she is very lovable and if she gave me the chance I could probably easily fall in love with her.
Things have changed with Colleen. A lot. We don't see each other often at all, and we don't text 24/7. But we mostly text for at least a short amount of time at least once a day. And with that, yeah it sucks that we don't really talk so often anymore and see each other once a month [that's actually exaggerating.. more like once every two months] but it's still better than not seeing or talking to her at all.
So I'm not in love with her. Never was, but I do still like her. It seems every time I see her I end up having a dream about her.. the second to last time I saw her [like 2 and a half months ago] it wasn't even for that long... at the moment I can't even remember what we did that I saw her. Something with McFeldy. Umm.. Maybe we just drove around. I really don't remember. But I know that after I saw her I had a dream -- We were hanging out with a group of people she knew, and as long as I was near them they acted fake and accepted me, but the moment I was away from the group I could hear them talking shit. But someone suggested we all go to the movies, so we all started walking back to the cars, and I was walking ahead of everyone tired of hearing their bullshit. Colleen caught up with me and told me to ignore them, that what they think doesn't matter. So we got back to her car, and I'm assuming everyone else got in their own cars because it was just me and Colleen in her car, and she just grabbed my hand and held it. She was driving left handed and her right hand was holding my hand.. she'd reach to change the station, she'd not let go of my hand but take it with hers. So I told her "you can let go of my hand to change the station..." and Colleen just said that she didn't want to. -- I woke up that morning just thinking to myself "Fuck I thought I was over her," and my heart pounding in my chest..
Then the other day was her birthday. And I saw invited me out to dinner with some friends and I went, and it was fun, I didn't really talk to her much because she was stuck in conversations with people she sees basically daily at work or at least a lot more often than me but we still talked and it was just nice seeing her in general, and she said the same to me. And when she was dropping me back home I told her she had to wait while I went in to get her her gift. So I got her the big penguin I won at six flags because I knew she'd like it. So I hid it in my sister's hoodie and brought it out to her. When she saw the penguin there was a cute little twinkle in her eye that gave it away that she really did like it. And she looked happy. Maybe I was reading her wrong, or just saw something, I don't know. But that night? Yeah, I had another dream which I don't remember all of but the important part to me is -- She kept falling asleep, we were somewhere and she was laying down on her side and almost falling asleep a few times, and I'd keep saying "Wakey wakey" but one time I lay down right next to her, nice and close and said it again. "Wakey wakey" so she opened her eyes again, slightly surprised to see me laying there and then her facial expression just got calm and relaxed and I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I closed my eyes to calm myself down so I wouldn't. And as I did so, suddenly I felt her kissing me, her lips so soft and were just so.. well, kissable. And I didn't want to stop. -- But it did stop. :( Sadly. lol. And I woke up afterward still feeling the way I feel when I kiss someone, my heart being pulled.. wanting more.
But yeah.. as I was typing this I had a let down. Colleen texted me about McFeldy [who also likes Colleen, a lot] and was saying that she [Colleen] wants to date someone that they both love each other but McFeldy threatened to kill herself if she did. So Colleen was texting me about it for advice or something I guess. But she said she was in love with this other chick and she loved her so basically I have no chance whatsoever. Then again, when did I?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A lot has happened.
A lot has happened since my last blog. And basically none to do with Colleen. The most that happened with Colleen is that I gave her a senior picture of me with a freakin STORY written on the back of it. And another day she said we were gonna chill.. and poofed for the rest of the night and the next day.
But where has the a lot happened you ask? There's this girl Korin. And everything with her is just so fucked up I don't think blogger.com has enough room for it all.
But where has the a lot happened you ask? There's this girl Korin. And everything with her is just so fucked up I don't think blogger.com has enough room for it all.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
LSG - Lesbian Security Guard
I don't know what I plan to write about. I guess it has to do with Colleen. Maybe it has to do with Trish. Yes! I can talk about Trish.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Trish is one of the female security guards at my school. She's gay. And hot. She's a total cutie. Quite often I find myself staring at her during lunch. Other times I purposely do. I talk to her in lunch. In the conversations we've had, by now I'm pretty sure she knows I'm gay. And courtesy of Maria she knows I think she's hot.
I have this dragon script notebook that I write a lot of different things in, and she became interested in it, so one day she took my notebook and tried to read it and after a page or so she said, "Hey, I see my name." and I thought shittt because I had this one page talking about her and saying she is hot, and even though it isn't in english, its sort of really obvious what it says. So I said, "Oh, where?" And looked where she was [she wasn't on that page]. So I said "Oh, actually yeah it does." So she asked "What does it mean?" Asking about the question. And I didn't answer. So she asked again, "What does it mean?" and Maria decided to yell out,
"IT MEANS SHE THINKS YOU'RE HOT!"
So yeah.. Idk what to say anymore.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Makes Me Want to Cry Happy Tears
9 part text to Colleen late at night.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
"Its weird to think about all the things that have changed since I first ever met you. First GSA meeting my freshman year - I thought you were a hot guy lol. Turns out, you were a hot chick [even better]. lol. And I always used to be so nervous around you. Never knew what to say. You were the only person to ever give me "butterflies". And now its so different, now I actually know you rather than just seeing you around school. And your personality is amazing. Its something I envy. To always seem so carefree. Even when everything is going wrong. And even to think about whats changed since I started hanging out with you again.. From day one I just clicked with you. Our personalities meld well together for the most part [I think at least].And from there a lot of stuff has happened with me liking you and all that. And I'm sorry that I told you and talked to you so much about it. Because you don't need all that crap on top of everything else. I just want you to know, despite it all, I'm just happy knowing I have you in my life at all, I'm just afraid that could be taken away at any moment. Because that is just my luck. THAT'S why I miss you so much. Because I am always afraid of losing people I care about.. I'd like for you to say something regarding this, but you don't have to.. At least tell me you read it.. or that you understand.. And I'm sorry for sending so many messages.."
And the next day 4th period I got her response which I told you before. of "Hey I read what you wrote and I agree I feel the same way toward it. I care about you and you know that. At least you should know that. I am not going anywhere trust me okay?"
I read it and had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. Even now just thinking about it it makes me want to cry. Just the fact that she cared. They're happy tears.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Happy Birthday To Me
So today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Got a new laptop. ^-^
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
But my blog today is intended to talk about my original nights plans. For the past couple months my oldest sister Alicia had plans for my birthday. She was going to take me out to a club. Cause I'm officially 18. Not really my scene, but it'd be fun, she'd be there. And one night Alicia decided that we were going to drag Colleen along. So we told her, and she agreed. So my night would have consisted of: (1) a club (2) Colleen (3) Alicia drinking and dancing with any guy who wants to. That is really not my scene. But the whole Colleen factor made it so much better because Alicia would be off doing whatever and I could just be with Colleen. :)
But then tragedy struck! Alicia's friend Michele at her job broke her ankle really bad. She needs a plate and pins and all the nasty stuff. So Alicia got called in to finish Michele's hours for the week. Including tonight. So my plans went down the drains.
I was perfectly fine when I first found this out, but then a few days later I had a break down and realized my night was ruined. I wouldn't be able to spend it with Colleen. I know what you're thinking, pathetic right? But I rarely see her, and her being there was really the only part of my birthday that I had been looking forward to, and I no longer had that. So I told her what happened and that my birthday was now going to suck, and I spent the next few days down in the dumps. I wanted to ask Colleen to do something with me for my birthday, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea thinking that I wanted like a date, but at the same time if I said just as friends I figured she might get the idea that she could take other people. So I was scared to ask her.
So last night, I was slowly getting more and more depressed because it was slowly coming to midnight. I'd be officially 18, and have the worst birthday of my life. So I text Colleen.
Whats up?
Nada driving.
Oh. Out with people? Or just driving?
Just driving.
Sounds fun. Err.. I was wondering.. since you were supposed to go out tomorrow with me and Alicia anyway.. I was wondering if maybe you'd still do something with me since its my birthday and all.. I just want to see you.. If you already made plans or just don't want to its okay. I just figured I'd ask...
My heart was racing, I was scared that she would disappear like she does almost every other time I ask her if I can see her or tell her I miss her. And then I was thinking, what if she did get the wrong idea. What if she thinks I want it to be like a date.. But she wouldn't think that. She just knows I want to see her. Because we're friends. And as my mind is racing, time is passing. And I begin asking myself, what if she doesn't answer. What if she disappears like every other time.
[my phone vibrates]
Yeah we can.
My heart stops, and my eyes start to water. But wait.. crying? Why would I be crying? She just said yes.. She said yes.. She said yes! And my eyes are still watering and I have to force the tears away, I'm happy. Oh so happy. She said yes. My birthday isn't ruined after all. I get to see the girl of my dreams.
And right now it's quarter to 5. She gets out of work at 7 I believe. I don't know what we'll do, where we'll go, anything. I just hope that she realized I meant just us. I don't want anyone else there. I want there to be just Colleen and me. Me and her. On my birthday.
I guess I'll leave an update. On what happens. Won't be anything exciting like her finally becoming my girlfriend. I can almost promise that. But whenever I close my eyes and imagine anything we'll do, my mind throws in torture. My mind throws in a kiss. Her soft lips, the key to her fragile heart, trusting me, kissing me.
I'd be in heaven if this were to ever happen, her that close to me, kissing me. I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine the emotions running through me, and my heart aches. My eyes are watering. There's no way to even attempt to explain the way she makes me feel. And I know, no matter how much I try to deny it... this is love.
UPDATE
My night was fun. No, it wasn't just me and her as I had hoped, but it was still a fun night. We all played softball at her house, in the dark. :) Then went inside and hung out and turned on the Sex and the City movie.
It was still one of the best birthday's I've had in a long time. And it's just because of her. <3
I really do love her. I've decided that I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. I just wish I could tell her..
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Binary Code
This is in binary code. If it matters enough
to you, go to this site and translate it.
http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp
0101001101101111001000000111010001101
0000110010101110010011001010010011101
1100110010000001110100011010000110100
1011100110010000001100111011010010111
0010011011000010111000001101000010100
0001101000010100100000101101110011001
0000100000010010010010000001100001011
0110100100000011010110110100101101110
0110010000100000011011110110011000100
0000110100101101110001000000110110001
1011110111011001100101001000000111011
1011010010111010001101000001000000110
1000011001010111001000101110000011010
0001010000011010000101001000001011011
1001100100001000000100100100100000011
0001101100001011011100010011101110100
0010000001110010011001010110000101101
1000110110001111001001000000111010001
1000010110110001101011001000000111010
0011011110010000001101101011110010010
0000011001100111001001101001011001010
1101110011001000111001100100000011000
0101100010011011110111010101110100001
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0110111001111001011011010110111101110
0100110010100101100001000000111010001
1010000110010101111001001000000110101
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0100011011110110111000100111011101000
0100000011101010110111001100100011001
0101110010011100110111010001100001011
0111001100100001011100010000001000101
0111001101110000011001010110001101101
0010110000101101100011011000111100100
1000000111001101101001011011100110001
1011001010010000001101101011011110111
0011011101000010000001101111011001100
0100000011101000110100001100101011011
0100100000011000010111001001100101001
0000001110011011101000111001001100001
0110100101100111011010000111010000101
1000010000001100001011011100110010000
1000000111010001101000011001010010000
0011011110110111001100101011100110010
0000011101110110100001101111001000000
1100001011100100110010101101110001001
1101110100001000000110100001100001011
1011001100101001000000110010101101001
0111010001101000011001010111001000100
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1100100010000001101000011000010110010
0001000000110000100100000011001110110
1001011100100110110001100110011100100
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0000100000011011110111001000100000011
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0111001001100101001000000110001101101
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1011100110011100100000011101000110111
1001000000110001001100101001000000111
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1100111011010000111010000100000011000
0101100110011101000110010101110010001
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0100111001001100101011011100111010000
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0100101110011001011000010000001100001
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1100110010101110010011110010110111101
1011100110010100100000011100110110000
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1000011001010010000001101001011100110
0101110001000000101001101101000011001
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1000000110100001100101011100100010000
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0111001100101001000000100100100100000
0110001101100001011011100010000001110
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1100100010000001110011011010000110010
1001000000110000101100011011101000111
0101011000010110110001101100011110010
0100000011000100110010100100000011001
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0010110000100000010010010010000001100
0010110110001110111011000010111100101
1100110010000001100110011001010110110
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1011011001010010000001001001001000000
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0000100000011101000110000101101100011
0101100100000011101000110111100100000
0110100001100101011100100010000001110
1110110100101110100011010000110111101
1101010111010000100000011000100110010
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1010011101010110010001100111011001010
1100100001011100000110100001010000011
0100001010010010010111001100100000011
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1001110010000001110111011010010111010
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0001011101000011111100100000010101110
1101001011101000110100000100000011000
0101110011011010110110100101101110011
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0111010001100001011011000110101100100
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1001010111001000111111001000000100100
1001000000110010001101111011011100010
0111011101000010000001110100011010000
1101001011011100110101100100000011100
1101101111001011100010111000100000010
0100101100100011010110010111000100000
0100101001110101011100110111010000100
0000110011001100101011011000111010000
1000000111010001101000011001010010000
0011011100110010101100101011001000010
0000011101000110111100100000011000100
1101100011011110110011100100000011010
0101110100001011100010000001000001011
0111001100100001000000110100101101110
0010000001000010011010010110111001100
0010111001001111001001000000110001101
1011110110010001100101001011100010000
00011101000101001
to you, go to this site and translate it.
http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp
0101001101101111001000000111010001101
0000110010101110010011001010010011101
1100110010000001110100011010000110100
1011100110010000001100111011010010111
0010011011000010111000001101000010100
0001101000010100100000101101110011001
0000100000010010010010000001100001011
0110100100000011010110110100101101110
0110010000100000011011110110011000100
0000110100101101110001000000110110001
1011110111011001100101001000000111011
1011010010111010001101000001000000110
1000011001010111001000101110000011010
0001010000011010000101001000001011011
1001100100001000000100100100100000011
0001101100001011011100010011101110100
0010000001110010011001010110000101101
1000110110001111001001000000111010001
1000010110110001101011001000000111010
0011011110010000001101101011110010010
0000011001100111001001101001011001010
1101110011001000111001100100000011000
0101100010011011110111010101110100001
0000001101001011101000010000001100001
0110111001111001011011010110111101110
0100110010100101100001000000111010001
1010000110010101111001001000000110101
0011101010111001101110100001000000110
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Saturday, April 25, 2009
Kim Stolz is GORGEOUS
I admit to watching America's Next Top Model. And of every season, and every girl I've seen leave, I think I miss Kim Stolz the most. Kim was an out lesbian on cycle 5. And she was/is gorgeous. I personally prefer her with shorter hair. Hence why all these pictures she has short hair.
Yeah I know that's a lot of pictures, but I think Kim is a gorgeous woman, and every time I found one beautiful picture, I had to find another, and another. I only stopped because I got distracted by an interview with her.
Okay I lied. One more, but just cause she looks boyish in this one and its totally adorable.
Yeah I know that's a lot of pictures, but I think Kim is a gorgeous woman, and every time I found one beautiful picture, I had to find another, and another. I only stopped because I got distracted by an interview with her.
Okay I lied. One more, but just cause she looks boyish in this one and its totally adorable.
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